When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Randomize
