i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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