things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
