mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
