I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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