I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
