Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
