Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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