I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
