Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
