I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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