the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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