i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
