I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
