i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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