I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's blow job season.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
