you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
