You can't special order awesome
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
