the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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