He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
