you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
