When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
