Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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