Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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