Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
