i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
