I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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