Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
