yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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