I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
