I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
