Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
