it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
