come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize