life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
