I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
