Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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