My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
