If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
