Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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