Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
