i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
