3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
