I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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