Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
