I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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