so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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