Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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