Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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