The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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