Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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