if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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