It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
