the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
