And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
