Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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