I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
