why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
