i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
