you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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