I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
