I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
