I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
