WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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